The Earthquake That Jolted Me

Today is day 1 of Chaitra month of the Hindu lunar calendar. With Chaitra Shukla Paksha begins the Hindu new year; we start following the next lunar calendar from today. It is a day of new beginnings. Navreh, as us Kashmiris call it, is a beautiful festival of happiness, food, good wishes, and love. But on this day of new beginnings, I still am unable to shed the thoughts that came over me last night.

For a majority of us living in North India, last night was nothing less than a nightmare, especially for those living in high rise buildings. Usually in such moments I panic less and I am able to keep my head in place to think and act as needed. However last night was different. The intensity as well as the duration of the earthquake, the fact that we live so high up in a tower, the fact that my kiddo was fast asleep, and the fact that I’m expecting, were all things that cumulatively sent me into a panic mode. I panicked, loudly chanting Lord Shiva’s name, holding onto my child, and screaming to my husband, “Sumeet, I’m feeling scared.” What could he do? He was himself somehow holding his own and trying to figure out what do we do. Shall we climb down the stairs? But the earthquake wasn’t stopping, and we feared getting injured while climbing down. Shall we stay put and take cover? But my huge belly wasn’t allowing me to completely crawl into a cramped space. Where do I stuff my sleeping child so he is safe? I quickly guided my sister to take cover in her cupboard. My husband tried several places to take cover, but all in vain because there was not enough crawling space to slide into. Finally we decided: let us go downstairs. We quickly put on our shoes, took whosoever’s phone was in hand, and starting descending. The ground still felt like it was shaking.

My mind was numb, and all instructions that we had previously read and heard, all the do’s and dont’s during an earthquake, went out the window. All I could think of in those moments is- Lord please keep my children safe! All I could think of and managed to visualise in those moments is how Sumeet and I would keep our children safe. When I was cramped half under the table, clutching my sleeping child, and Sumeet was down on his fours protecting his head and neck under a mattress, I kept looking at him and wondered if he knew how much I loved him. I was asking God for forgiveness for all my sinful omissions and commissions. I prayed to God for strength for my parents, because all their children were in this room that stood on a shaking ground.

Finally our descent on the stairs began, and my valiant husband bravely carried our sleeping kid down nine floors. My sister assured him that he should go down and she would help me come down safely and steadily. We saw kids, women, men, all slowly climbing down the stairs. I was still panicking, and the sight of others added embarrassment to my mix of emotions. Nobody seemed to be panicking except me. I still feel I felt everything more intensely because of my pregnancy. Once we were all down, I rushed to Sumeet, and cried like a baby while holding onto him.

Going through such incidents, such moments, such intense emotions, is one of the most humbling things that can happen to you. We talk about impermanence of life, and we do think about such questions. However, when you face this “impermanence of life” in reality, it puts a lot of things into perspective. We’re all safe, but the thought of “what if” is one that is very hard to shed. Even after the night has passed, my body is still in that momentum of the moving ground, and my eyes are hovering towards the ceiling fan every now and then, to check if it is moving. Such is the impact of a calamity that actually did nothing more than scare me. I just lose myself in thinking of the impact on those who suffer calamities that leave them with irreparable losses, of those who were in helpless situations that wouldn’t have allowed them to save themselves and their loved ones, and of those who are so paralysed by fear that they resign to any ill consequence. I think of them, pray for them, and thank the Almighty for small mercies. Small mercies are all we have, and all we ever will, rest all our efforts for ‘future securities’ are nothing but the construct of our delusional mind. Each day is a new beginning, each moment is a gift, and living life with this awareness is the best thing you can do for yourself.