Pleasures and Pains: The Unparalleled Journey of a Would-be Parent

I once heard that humans have a tendency to call anything that happens easily, a miracle. I could truly relate with that when I saw those two pink lines that announced unbound hopes, joys, and a lifetime of being-a-parent for me and my husband. My pregnancy is nothing short of a miracle to me, and it has reaffirmed my faith in God's immense grace. As I go about grappling with the everyday struggles and challenges of pregnancy, I cannot help but revel in the surreal realization of the impending happiness. Each morning I wake up thanking this little one for having chosen us. Although my husband and I weren't consciously planning to embark on this journey anytime soon, but now that we are here, we both know that it is definitely something we both wanted!

Each day of pregnancy dawns with new hopes, renewed challenges, increased enthusiasm, and sometimes declining energies... basically every day is different. Pregnant women have a go-to explanation, one which we are happy to take advantage of, for the quirky behaviour that we often seem to exhibit: “hormones”. The famous pregnancy mood swings are really no exaggeration, and they often are a test of patience for those around. While most women often use hormones as an excuse for strange behaviour during and before the menstrual days, the glorious days of pregnancy open up floodgates to a whole new world of possibilities where we may take refuge in our beloved excuse. I never knew pregnancy would make me this ‘hormonal’, as my mood even on consecutive days is diametrically opposite.

Hormones aside, though, mostly it is the thought of being a parent that keeps me up at nights. As most parents and would-be parents might understand, thinking about the highs and lows of the near and the far future, occupies our minds for a major part of each day. Expecting a baby opens up so many windows of worries; the kinds of worries you never even could imagine before. I have really been a nervous wreck on many days when all I could think about was the shortcomings in me as a person, my failures, and faults. I would feel doubtful if I am even prepared or equipped to bring up and guide another human being; to usher a helpless and dependent soul onto the path meant for him/her; to give a responsible citizen to my country, and a useful person to the world. There are so many worries that would occupy my mind relentlessly every day. Will I be a good example for my child? What will I give to the child that will make him/her a better person than I am? Am I even cut out for this monumental task? I would imagine moments when my child might ask me a curious question for which I may not have a ready answer. Will the child then wait for me to dig out the answer for him/her, or will I lose the faith of my child in that instant of delayed resourcefulness? Often the thought of the kind of mother I will be, would bug me. Will I be a good mother? Who decides who a good mother is? Can I get training for it?

While these concerns occupy some corners of my mind, I have slowly learnt to console and comfort myself with the simple truth that nothing can prepare anyone for what the future holds. After all I am not the first and the last person on earth to become a parent. The maximum I can do is to accept my circumstantial and personal limitations, and try my best to overcome them to give the best to my child. Isn't it futile to think about what I may not have achieved, or my failures, or the imperfections in my personality? Will these things even matter to the kid? I am coming to realize that what might be most important is how we treat the baby after we receive him/her, and what example we go on to display as the baby transforms into the person she/he is meant to be. Every person is born with their own destiny, human tendencies, and characteristics; what we as parents can do is give our best and hope for the best.

As I am getting closer to the day when our baby will finally be here, I often find myself day-dreaming about holding the tiny little life in my arms, cuddling with the sweet little babe, bathing, playing with, and sleeping with our bundle of joys, and sharing laughter on all the antics of the little darling with my hubby. I cannot wait to shower the little one with limitless love and all possible comforts. Time is running out fast. It seems to be pacing away each second as I go about my day's activities. Amidst all the anxieties, health concerns, mood swings, and day dreaming, our preparations to welcome our little angel have not quite gathered steam. My husband and I have been brainstorming about the things to be bought once the baby is here. Interestingly the stuff to be bought is not necessarily for the little one but more for our own convenience. I have come to realize that the research and discussions about baby-shopping that I and the would-be Papa indulge in just satisfy our primal human instincts of ‘providing’ for our child. What a baby needs is just love: unconditional and unbound. It is immaterial to a baby how well a parent can ‘provide’. I only hope that we play our part as parents, to the best of our abilities.

Slowly I’m beginning to see the sweetness of the pains that being a parent brings with it, and getting to appreciate why they say it is the best journey that any human being can embark on.